i have a story to tell....[long]

I cannot believe the year i've had so far. im 17, im currently a few weeks from finishing year 12 (YIPPEE!!) i know i should be studying right now but truth is ive done biology all day and now im just chilling. lol.

anyway my story goes something like this: i fell in love with a boy called sam when i was only 11 years old. it was year 6 of primary school, he was the new boy. it wasnt love at first sight or anything cos well actually he was REALLY short for his age and i was REALLY tall for my age, seriously there was about a foot in height difference!!! lmao!

i know it seems silly, how would i know right? well i just do and its like people say you never know how much you love someone until you lose them. well that pretty much sums up how ive been feeling for the past 5 1/2 years.

it was on camp when his best mate jack who was also a good friend of mine asked me out for him, i thought it was a practical joke! im very gullible at the best of times especially back then. we were at castlemaine gaol (oh i guess not many melburnians here so u probably wont know). i didnt say anything, i didnt know what i was going to say! truth was a few days before camp in class we were sitting on the same table together and we were looking at maps and i can still remember looking up at him, he smiled and my heart skipped a beat, that was the very moment i started liking him. so i ran to my girlfriends, told them what happened and as u do we all started giggling! they asked me what i was going to do, still i didnt respond. i ran to his room and stood at the doorway. he was sitting on the edge of the bed looking terrorfied! jack must have told him what happened. then he said it: he asked me if i would go out with him. in my head i was screaming with delight and i could hardly stop smiling to tell him yes!!

he was my first boyfriend. i was with sam for over a year, we had an amazing time together. i fell in love hard. he wrote me poems and love letters everyday. after every phone call he would tell me he loved me, he came to every one of my basketball games and despite our height difference he loved me so much. he was an absolute gentleman, intelligent, an amazing writer for an 11 yr old and we had so many fantastic times together. he changed my life, i really would be a completely different person had i not met him, my confidence soared, i had more friends i was the happiest ive ever been.

but then we went to different high schools and i still dont have a decent reason but i ended it. i hated doing, it terrorfied me. but at the time i truly believed it was the right thing to do, i dont know why! i cried for weeks after doing it. i really broke his heart. i still REALLY wanted to be his friend cos he's the best person i know, i was terrorfied we wouldnt be friends.

anyway time went by and thank god we still maintained a friendship. he still called me every week. he was having a tough time moving on. a year later and he was still not over me, i believed i was, i had a new bf by that time too. that didnt last all that long though, he turned out to be jerk when i was going through a really tough time and needed him most. i compared him to sam and he didnt compare AT ALL. and so i ended it with him too and i started realising that my feeling for sam were still there, just very very deep down. i didnt know what to do about it.

i thought sam was definately over me by now, i didnt know how to tell him i still liked him after i'd hurt him so bad.

we still stayed friends, we were both in the laptop program at our highschools so in class we emailed each other constantly. i pushed my feelings for him away, i thought they had gone but no, they were just buried very deep down. i had crushes on other guys, i even talked to him about them, i never had another boyfriend though. they only guy i asked out was someone who was similiar to sam in so many ways, polite, gentleman, intelligent, fun, but i wasnt christian so he said no. it was probably for the best in the end. i tried so hard to move on. i ignored that i still liked him and i knew that he couldnt still like me cos it would simply be too good to be true! life isnt that generous. even i knew that as young as i am.

then the day came when he told me his family was moving to canada (im in australia). i practicaly died that day. we were still really good friends, i was still the last one to see him and say goodbye. we spent the whole day together on a beach we often went to in summer, theres a massive hill on it we would run and roll down.
when i had to leave i cried, he cried, my mum cried. i cried the whole way home in the car. it was terrible and it felt like my heart was slowly being torned apart with bare hands.
i wanted to tell him so badly! but what was the point? he was moving to the other side of the world! he was flying out the following day, my school even had a student free day that day but i still couldnt go to the airport to see him go. i stayed home in bed and cried all day, i was terrorfied he would forget me or replace me or just not even care about the things that happened when he lived here. it hurt so much i cant explain.

months and months later we started talking over the internet whenever we could. we still managed to stay really close considering the distance. i missed him so much but i pushed my feelings away, far far away.
ive tried everything to move on completely. every reasonable and unreasonable method in an attempt to get over him. every boy i got the slightest crush on i would compare to him, it was driving me nuts!

as the years went by i continued to ignore the truth. i still believed that he couldnt possible like me cos it would be to good to be true! We talked as often as we could but the 18 hr time difference made it difficult alot. sometimes he would stay up till 2 oclock in the morning just to talk to me.
sometimes we would tease each other, we talked about the day we would see each other again. every year he said i can come down next year! but something would happen and he couldnt.

hes an amazing writer and not long after he moved he wrote me a song, i should have realised how he felt then but i guess i was too naive. as the years went by he sent me other songs, not ones he had written but ones he said would explain everything.

once a couple years ago we had a really close conversation, we teased each other and we talked about what it would be like if we were still together. he said he was getting 'choked up' and all this hurt cos he was 'still holding on to all those years ago' then he signed out before i could reply with 'maybe its a good thing'. i wonder now if he had seen that small msg if things would have turned out differently.
anyway, just before he had to go he sent me a song and said it would explain everything but i had no way of listening to it so i never got to until earlier this year!

when i finally did hear it did explain everything and i kicked myself for being so naive not to realise that he still had feelings for me! it was some will seek forgiveness, others escape by underoath, another he sent me was 'i will follow you into the dark' by death cab for cutie. they did explain everything.

it got me hopeful and my hidden feeling started creeping back to the surface. but it also terrorfied me and i was in agony because these things were a couple years ago so i had no idea how he felt now!

did he still feel something for me after all this time?

we still talked but there had been none of the flirting that there was back then. i was in agony not knowing! i really was, it was all that i thought about and it was causing my results in school to drop. again last year he sed he was going to come down and visit with his family this year but...like usual something happened and they couldnt. he was going to join the military and that would be a solid 8 years where he couldnt come visit. i was going to go straight into uni after school so we realised that werent going to see each other for like at least 8 years!! that thought suck into both of us and felt utterly horrible. there was no way i could keep going the way i was without asking him if he still felt it too.

so... as crazy and as dramatic as this sounds i didnt want to simply ask him over the net or over the phone or something cos things always get misinterpreted so easily that way so last summer i worked my *** off every day and night at work to save enough dough to get me a return flight to canada. i was so proud of myself, 5 grand later my bday came so i bought my ticket.
it really was now or never. if i didnt see him this year i simply would not be able to cope.
the next time we spoke i surprised him, i wish i could have seen his face cos from the msgs alone he sent he was so excited!
i was going to be there for his high school graduation so he asked me to be his date. it was funny cos you could tell he was still shy to ask even though der..im flying all this way of course i will!!

we had always got excited at the thought of one of us going to the other, we always thought it would be him cos he was a lot wealthier than me. but i beat him to it. it cost me my entire car savings and alot more but it was SO worth it!