NC brought her back, begging.

My ex broke it off with me earlier this month. We've been having all sorts of issues for the past couple of months that led up to it. Finances, communication, uncertainties on my part, pot smoking on hers... the usual.

At the beginning of Dec, she started to see someone else. For the weeks prior she was giving me mixed "I want in, I want out" messages. I was fine with "I want out" but I asked her to tell me straight up that that is what she wanted so I could move on. She didn't. All the way until the day before she moved on she led me on to believe there was a fighting chance. Eventually, I had to find out on my own that she decided to date another. I was obviously crushed.

So, I did the usual begging for about 3 days. Nothing. Blamed the whole thing on myself for another couple of days and vowed to change because of her. Nothing. RAN INTO HER AND HER REBOUND 5 DAYS AFTER THE BREAK-UP! I couldn't eat a lick for days. After all that my ego and self-esteem was shot. Time to move on.

After our final encounter about 8 days after the break-up she seemed very sad, but very sure that we'd probably never see each other again. My reasoning at this point wasn't clouded. I had already expected this. So NC began right away. Not as a means to get her back, but now I was genuinely angry at her and regretted even talking to her once after I found out what she did to me.

I deleted her out of my phone, myspace (blocked), email, all that good stuff. There was going to be no cyber-stalking for me. I knew better.

Well, all contact has been initiated from her side. It started Christmas Eve with "Merry Christmas Eve". I didn't respond. Then she messaged me on Christmas on Myspace (before I blocked her) "Merry Christmas". I reponded back saying Merry Christmas back.

I'm not forming any hopes at this point. I just felt well healed enough to be able to respond. After realizing that even though I deleted her from myspace, she still sends me messages (meaning I can see her avatar, and I don't know how I'll react if that little picture were to display something I don't want to see) I decided to block her. This totally threw her for a loop. Big text message exchange, but essentially I told her that blocking her out of my life as much as possible is what I need to move on. And what I got from her is, "You'll never be out of my life or mind completely" and "Let me know when you want to see me again".

At midnight, New Years, she sends me a "Happy New Years" text that eventually leads to an hour long phone conversation. She basically says she doesn't want to spend the New Year without me. That she loves me and everything about me. I reminded her of the issues I have with her, and she reminded me of the issues she had with me. But the love is still there (she says and I assume).

Now, I've heard NC will cause exes to initiate contact, but not because they want to get back, but instead because they want to hang on to something that was once so important and that they now feel is in its last stages of life. What I figure, is obviously my ex was so weak that she broke it off with me only because she thought that she had a solid crutch to take her through the breakup (a new dude). For whatever reason, this guy is no longer part of the picture, at least not significantly, and now she's seeing what a catch I really was. Back to the point; it's been said that if your ex truly wants to get back, then they have to straight up let you know, as clear as water, that that is what they want. Without me ever suggesting it (minus the first 3 begging days) and actually opting very much against it, she wants back in.

My problem with this is, I cannot go back with her on this type of foundation. I have my pride. I told her over the phone, "maybe not until I start dating others, will I feel comfortable giving us another shot" because thoughts of her rolling around with someone else would eventually haunt me (she denies anything that serious happened. I told her to give me a break and spare me the details, we're both adults).

I do love this chick, and when times were good, times were really good. She was a real friend, lover, everything. We just got lost in the routine. She lost discipline in her communication, though. She avoided any conflict, big or small, and decided to start smoking weed to tune it out and hanging out with her whorebag friend during the rocky part of the relationship.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at with this, maybe I'm just journalizing for my own good, but I set up a lunch date with her in two weeks (I'm out of town for the holidays). Part of me is excited to see her again. Part of me is bummed. It sucks that as much as I try to fight it, thoughts of us being together, whether new issues will surface or not, are going through my head. I was focused on being single again and developing myself and my social life, and now she's semi-back in the mix, albeit in a weird sense.

Like I said, I am holding on to no hope of us being together for good, but should I really be set in stone against what my heart wants? Am I being too rational and unfair to myself? I'm 99% sure I wouldn't take her back since I KNOW she slept with someone else. I'm weird like that. If I don't at least get my side of the action, it just would not feel right. Bottom line. I don't care what morals dictate, I'm not that big of a punk. But maybe I want to keep an open friendship and see where that goes. If she eventually sees someone else again, fine. But I do hope I'm not fooling myself.

Lack of commitment was an issue (this was only an 18 mo. relationship), so I told her "How commited do you think I'll be the second time around after doing what you did?". So I'm going through all of these stupid ups-and-downs again, when I should be going slowly, steadily up and out. But then, what about second chances? I just don't know.

I guess this isn't really open-ended, but if anyone has any success or stories similar to this (you probably wouldn't be on this forum), feel free to share.