Falling Apart

First time poster. I've been married to my wife for 3 and a half years. We've been together for over 5 years. We've known one another for about 8 years. There have been some rough patches due to deaths in her family and some financial troubles when I lost my job, but we always worked it out.

Then a couple weeks ago she shows up at like 5am in the morning. I couldn't sleep and had to work from home that day because we only have one car and she had it so I didn't know what was going on. See said she and her friends went to the pool at her friends apartment. Problem was the pool closed at midnight. She said they just hung out at her friends place after that. I didn't really believe it but went with it.. But she went crazy accusing me of not trusting her and this and that. A big argument ensued and she started talking about the whole "i don't understand her" and this and that.... I go out to get gas and food and when I come back she's gone. I call her and text her and she never gets back to me. I call up my friend and hang out with him for a few hours, come back and she still isn't home.

Low and behold we finally talk to one another and she comes home. We discuss our relationship and things we need to work on. Everything seemed ok at that point. But I work during the day and right now she's not working and hasn't for about a year. So I don't know what went on then.. Anyway Tuesday evening rolls around and we go shopping for some clothes for a holiday party my company is having. We had a decent time and later we went out to meet with friends.. It was fun at first but then she started texting somebody and most of the night she was ignoring eveyrbody and just texting somebody and laughing. Later we go dancing and she's sort of into it having fun and kissing and making out but then she gets more text messages and she kept pulling the phone away from me. She told me to trust her. Well later I did see get a glimpse of one of the text messages and it said something like "are you coming tonight" so it sort of made me mad...

Later as we were all leaving she tells me she's going over to her friends house and knows I have to go home because I work the next day. I didn't buy it. I told her I don't believe her and she told me to trust her and she even swore on her father's life that she wouldn't do that to me.

Low and behold she never returned my calls or text messages or emails the next day. I called her friends and she was never over there. They dropped her off someplace else. She finally got back to me at like 4pm. We met up and discussed things. She admitted she was seeing somebody else but she still loved me and wanted an open relationship. I didn't like that theory but I was willing to find a way to work things out. So we hung out and were going to work things out. But later she complained that she needs to go out and have fun and I'm trying to control her because I don't want her to go out. She tells me she'll be home by 2am she promises. She did get home at 2am but still.

The next night the same stupid crap. SOmebody starts texting and suddenly it goes from us working things out to her going out for a few hours. Except she didn't get home until like 5am. And this was during a week where I had a lot of tough assignments for work to do. A big important week she knew about. Her getting home with our only car at 5am when I have to wake up at 6am is not good. She never answers the phone or returnes calls or texts me back either.

We fight but I still try to work things out with her. She agrees and we try to work it out. Except this is the night of our holiday party and she's supposed to pick me up at 3pm. She needed the car to buy some shoes. So it made sense for her to drop me off at work while she goes and get shoes and then pick me up. Low and behold she didn't pick me up until like 4pm and I almost missed the holiday party cause of her. She said there was a lot of traffic and she didn't find shoes. We go, have fun, but she keeps saying she wants to go home cause she's tired. She even tells me that she isn't texting all night cause she left the phone at home. Later after the holiday party is over, a few co-workers and their spouses go to a bar for a few hours. She doesn't want to go at all, but she does and after awhile everybody leaves. We get home around 1am and she tells me that she wants to go out for a few hours. A few hours turn into 12 noon the next day and she had the car once again.

Yesterday morning I find out she took money out of the debit card in the place where this other guy lives. She wasn't at the mall. I went out of the way so she could have the car to buy shoes and she goes and drives up to this guys place and spends it with him. Almost made me freaking miss my holiday party. I had enough. I tried to do everything right. I tried to be the perfect husband. But none of it was enough.

So I accept the relationship is over. When she got home I spoke to her about divorce and ending it. Obviously she has no respect for me or something. She says she loves me but doesn't know if she's in love with me anymore. But after discussing divorce she doesn't like that idea. Since she has no money or place to live she doesn't want a divorce. I tell her she should go live with her new bf then. She tells me she doesn't want to do that. We don't have any kids and we don't have tons of assets as we live in an apartment. She did say she wanted the car though. I didn't want to just give it to her as it's the only car we have... But later I told her she can have the car but she has to pay the payments and we can move on. IT seems she moved on and is sleeping and almost living with this other guy. But she didn't like that idea either.

I don't get it really. She tells me she thinks she doesn't love me anymore, we're not the same people, blah blah and this other guy is just a casual thing. Yet she doesn't seem open to being divorced or moving out.

I don't know the laws enough to where I can just throw her to the street and I know in California it's almost a no fault state when it comes to divorce.,,,,,,

I haven't had a chance to speak to her about what we are going to do cause she hasn't been home since last night. And she never answers when I call her or text her.... She didn't take most of her things though.

I still love her and wanted it to work, but it's obvious she doesn't want it to work. It's like I don't know her anymore or something. She never acted like this until a couple weeks ago. She met some guy online and here we are now.

Maybe it's about control. She never has total control over me. All I know is when I first started dating her years ago we didn't spend every second of every day with one another. I don't know how long she's been emailing this guy but they've only been together for at most two weeks. Before that she wasn't going out much unless I went out with her. I don't know what it is.. It hurts and I'm sad and I miss her, but I just don't get it really.